I Lost Everything

Dear Diary,

It’s been approximately 3 years and 4 months since you last heard from me. A lot has happened since then.

When I started this blog 5 years ago, I made a promise to myself—to write when I feel good and when I feel sad. It has been extremely difficult to keep that promise.  The lows have been 12 feet down, to say the least. 

In 2020, we had at least 5,000 monthly visitors, and each post had at least 20 comments. I enjoyed engaging with you, and telling stories. This was my safe place. A place to tell my secrets and detach from the craziness. It was my own, but all that was taken away from me in 2022 after I finished my master’s and wanted to write again. I hired a developer to help redesign the website, and we agreed on a direction. Everything was going fine. I’ll never forget when I received that call in Lekki, lying in the bosom of an ex-lover.

“Hello Cynthia, sorry you haven’t heard from me. I don’t know how to say this, but I lost all the blog files,” he said. In my head, I was like, “Surely there must be a backup.” He continued, “I didn’t back up the files when I initially created the website. I have been trying for weeks to retrieve them, but I’m sorry, they’re all gone.” I went cold. Silent like Man U fans this season. I couldn’t believe my ears, and when I finally mustered the energy to speak, I laughed. The kind you laugh when your life is falling apart. The type that precedes hot tears. I dropped that call and you guessed it, cried my eyes out. I felt alone, even though I wasn’t. I wanted a hug, but all I got were unsolicited offers of solutions. We tried everything, but nothing worked. It was then I lost all the zeal and motivation to write. I decided to focus on my 9-5, thinking one day, maybe I’d pick it up again.

My 9-5 journey has been decent. I have had a smooth run and have enjoyed almost every job I’ve had. I am a very competitive person, so, the idea of failure has never crossed my mind. Why would it? I have never failed at anything in life, I have always been the best at anything I do. Until recently. I never realized that your core experiences can be solely dependent on one person. It’s crazy to even think about it, but yeah, I failed. It was a rude awakening. I learned that not every opportunity deserves to be “seized.” Sometimes you know that something isn’t good for you, but you still do it because of the satisfaction you get from doing something new. In my case, it was an intriguing challenge. And sometimes you put in your very best, but the weapon fashioned against you still prospers. And that’s fine. As I’ve grown older, I’ve seen that not everyone or everything is going to stay in your life forever. Our experiences are lessons or “character development” as I like call to it.  

Relationships—platonic and romantic—have been the biggest contributors to my character. It hurts when friendships end, especially when you’ve shared so much but holding on to people who no longer serve you only holds you back (cc. Man U and Rashford). Letting go is always painful, but it was necessary for my growth and peace of mind. Speaking of love, remember this article? Reading it now is very funny. Oh, to be young and foolish… I thought my search had ended until I knew what I wanted out of life. The disappointment left me questioning everything about love and even about myself. I had never been over something so quickly in my life and if not for this article, I wouldn’t have thought about it this week. I have memories, but they are faint and unsubstantial. I learnt a valuable lesson about myself, I fight for what I want but, I know when to give up —and when I do, Lord help you.

On the bright side, my absence means that I have had lots of new experiences. I have met interesting people, and a whole lot has changed about me. I have plentyyyy gist, and I cannot wait to spill.

We are starting over. So, when you can, please read the previous posts, like them, and drop a comment. Let’s rebuild this. I need all the support.

I missed you.

Oh, and happy birthday to me.